I was writing an email to my sister-in-law this morning, and I suddenly realized that I used the word home in reference to three different places: Minnesota, Texas, and Japan. I had to go back and edit my typing in order to not completely confuse her.

I’m pretty sure I said something to the effect of: I can’t wait until we get home (to Minnesota) to visit!!! (I use a lot of exclamation points.) Then I am sure I rambled on about something else that you all don’t care about before telling her that we are planning to make a stop at home (Texas) for some barbecue before heading home (to Japan).

I told her that I am really looking forward to going home…and then stopping at home…before heading home.


The hard part is that each use of the word home felt 100% appropriate. It wasn’t until I did a quick skim to proofread my email before sending that I realized that I made absolutely no sense.

Side note for context: we are spending two weeks in the US in December/January. Yes, we are planning an overnight layover in Texas in order to get our barbecue fix before heading back to Japan. We’ll see some friends in Texas, too, so we’re not completely food-obsessed. Scratch that, we totally are. But so are the people we are going to see, so it’s all good. These are people who don’t bat an eye when you invite yourselves to stay at their house for one night so that you can eat amazing food together before jetting off. And this is why we call them our friends.

But the thing is that all of those places really are home to me.

Where is home? Where are you from?

Anyone who has called more than one city home can relate to this, but when you jump from state to state or even country to country the answer to that innocent question tends to get more and more complicated.

So when people ask us where we’re from, the answer looks a little different each time.

From my point of view, it tends to go something like this:

“I’m from the United States.”

“Oh, where specifically? Well, we moved (to Japan) from Texas. But we’re actually not from Texas, we’re from Minnesota.”

“No, not, “like, Minneapolis”…from a tiny town about 300 miles north of there.”

“Nope, not Canada, but almost!”

“No, Fargo isn’t in Minnesota. That would be North Dakota. I lived there, too. Yeah, I guess some people talk like that. Hmmm…I’m not sure why I don’t sound like that, too. I guess my accent has faded a little. It comes back when I’ve spent a bit of time back there, though…”

Basically I tell my geographical history backwards until the person seems satisfied.

The most important gifts you can give to your child are roots and wings.

Have you heard that saying? I am not sure who originally said it, but I get it. I think we’re all doing okay on the wings front over here, but what happens if you raise a kid who can’t look back to see her roots in exactly one place? What if her roots are in lots of places? We’ve had 7 homes – in 4 states, 5 cities, and 2 countries – since Miss E was born. She has become an expert on saying goodbyes and on making new friends, and I am certain that it has made her a stronger and more adaptable person. But at the same time I don’t doubt that it’s given her a lot to discuss with her future therapist.

Sometimes I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt because we haven’t given her a life where she could give a one-word answer to the question of where she is from. When someone asks her where she is from (pretty often now that we have moved overseas), I can see the wheels turning in her head when she tries to make out the best way to answer. I can see the tiny flicker of panic that comes from not knowing if you can get away with telling this particular person which country you come from and leave it at that, or if they want your entire life story. Since she is more like her father than her mother when it comes to talking to other people, I know that she is always hoping for the former rather than the latter.

So even though I feel guilty for not giving her a simple life where a one-word answer would suffice, I am pretty sure I would feel guilty if we had stayed in the same place for the past 13+ years and hadn’t taken the risks that we have in order to give her the life that she has. Parent guilt is real, and I have found that it’s pretty much going to be there no matter what I do. So here’s hoping that the places she’s been, the people she’s loved, the experiences she has had, and the memories she has made will make up for the feeling of being from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

Hopefully she will come to discover, as I have, that home is a lot of different things rolled into one.

Home is a location. It can be a town/city/state/region/country/continent/hemisphere. It can even be a different place each time you picture it, or it can be the one place you picture over and over again, no matter where you actually live.

Home is the feeling. It is the comfort you feel when you return from a long day, or from a trip. It’s where you want to pull the covers over your head when you’ve had a rough day. It’s where you walk around without any pants on, and where you give yourself permission to drink juice out of the carton because you’re too lazy to grab a glass.

Home is the people we surround ourselves with in each of those locations. It is those people whom we have the privilege to miss when we leave. Home can be family, friends, and those friends who become your family; and it is the people who we become in each place that we make a home.

It is our little family, wherever we’re together.


Why did we become Expats?

Expats become expats for lots of reasons. For some, it’s the promise of adventure, travel, and an upgraded lifestyle. For others, it’s the money and the career bump that can come from gaining valuable international work experience.

For us, it was a combination of all of those reasons. And the decision to move overseas wasn’t as difficult as you might imagine. Don’t get me wrong—it wasn’t a decision we made hastily, but we didn’t spend any sleepless nights trying to figure it out, either.

When we made the decision to make the move to Japan, we got lots of questions from people.

Why would you uproot your family and move to another country?

Won’t you miss your parents/extended family/friends?

Won’t it be difficult to be gone for two whole years? You’ll miss so much!

I got the impression that most people who asked me those questions didn’t actually care about the answer. In fact, it seemed as though they were just asking to have to opportunity to tell me that it’s something that they could never, ever do. In a way I understood. If you had asked me 10 years ago if I would ever move abroad I probably would have laughed in your face. We’re not that different from anyone who asked us those questions. A little crazier, maybe. But different? Not really.

The opportunity to move abroad came up in April 2014. At that point we had already been living in Texas for four years. We were more than 1,000 miles from our extended family. For four years we had been spending almost all of our vacation time and money traveling back and forth to see them, and we had gotten pretty used to saying our goodbyes a few times each year. We were missing out on their daily lives, and they weren’t there for ours. We were pretty much on our own. It wasn’t ideal, but we had been making it work. So being away from them hasn’t changed with our move abroad. Sure, visiting now requires a passport and a flight across the ocean, but other than that it hasn’t changed things much.

What has changed the most is our lifestyle. Not necessarily our financial lifestyle, although that has changed pretty drastically, but the way we were living before the move versus how we live now is the biggest change.

When we first started discussing a potential move abroad, J was spending more and more time traveling for work. At one point he clocked almost 100 days away in a period of six months. Yes, I counted.

This is where I interject to say that I know that I probably sound like a brat. I know that lots of people, including military families, make much more difficult sacrifices with spouses/parents away from home for longer stretches of time. And I realize that single parents are on their own 100% of the time. And I didn’t have little kids at home – I had it relatively “easy” because my one and only child was older and could pretty much take care of herself. I also didn’t work at the time, which made things a lot easier for sure. But knowing all of those things didn’t help at the time, honestly. It was a pretty lonely time for me and a difficult time for us as a family. It’s not something I really talked about at the time, probably because of all of the reasons I just listed. But after being away from that lifestyle for a little while and looking back, I am able to clearly see how not great it was. For all of us.

As if having him away from home so often wasn’t bad enough, contributing to my discontent was the fact that J was traveling to some amazing places…all while Miss E and I were back at home, holding down the fort.

I was getting pictures from him like this…

Jason Work Sunset Jason Work 2

…while I was driving carpool, taking care of the house, the yard, the dog, and combating the wrath of a tween girl * on the home front. We were communicating through email and Skype. Actually, barely communicating is perhaps a more accurate statement. I was jealous of the adventures he was having, and I am pretty sure he was sick of hearing me complain about it. He was exhausted when he was home and I couldn’t seem to muster up much sympathy for him. He was working so hard at the job he loved, but the stress of lifestyle we were living clouded the successes he was having at work. To say it wasn’t easy on us would be an understatement. It was rough.

We were all over it. I was over being a single parent. I was over being by myself most of the time. Miss E needed her dad, and I needed my husband. And J was burned-out. Even though it looked and sounded glamorous to travel the world, it was actually just a lot of hard work. It was late nights, early mornings, long days, and a lot of time spent alone in a hotel room. J’s traveling started out fine for all of us. We made it work for a long time. But eventually it wasn’t worth it any more. To any of us. And – as with all things in life – it is easy to start out on board with something only to find the situation to be much different once you’ve actually spent some time doing it. We got to the point where things had to change.

So when the job in Japan became available, we were so ready for it. We needed to be together, period. And if it took moving overseas to do it, so be it. What would have been a difficult decision for many people was actually pretty easy for us in the end.

So when people ask me why, I can tell them all of that. That the lifestyle we live here, while exciting and scary, is actually kind of boring in the best way. J has a job that is less stressful than his old one. He is home every night for dinner. If he travels it’s because we’re on vacation. We don’t have a house, a yard, cars, or stuff to take care of. And that means that our evenings and weekends are filled with whatever we want to do, not what we have to do. And those benefits outweigh any difficulties we face by being away from our families and our home country.

It’s a little crazy that we have to move so far away to find the lifestyle change we needed. It’s not like moving abroad was the only option available to us. But it was an opportunity that came up at the exact right time, and it just goes to show how taking big risks can lead to big rewards.


* That’s not a very fair assessment. She’s an awesome kid! But having her dad away for long stretches of time was not easy for Miss E, and not having him around to act as a buffer when needed made it hard for us to get along all the time. I’m sure she would have an equally unfair assessment of her mother during that time as well.


Tokyo Trip

J and I were able to get away by ourselves last week, just the two of us. Miss E was out of town on a school trip, so we found ourselves with a couple of days to do whatever we wanted. Rather than spending it relaxing at home, we decided to hop on the Shinkansen (aka the bullet train) and spend that time in Tokyo!

This wasn’t the first time I had been to Tokyo. We actually stayed in Tokyo on the day arrived in Japan, before traveling on to Nagoya. I don’t know that I really count that as a “visit to Tokyo” because we were kind of a mess (understatement of the year) and weren’t in any condition to experience the city. We landed late in the afternoon, took a train from the airport to Tokyo station, and then took a taxi from there to our hotel. If it had been up to us girls, we would have called it a night and face planted into our beds. But since that’s the #1 worst thing you can do when attempting to combat jet lag, J dragged us we ventured out. And we were cranky, hungry and on sensory overload. So much so that after a mini-meltdown (I’m not going to say whose meltdown it was), we ended up eating dinner —our very first meal in Japan—at….McDonald’s. Yep. Judge away.

My second time in-Tokyo-but-really-not was this summer when Miss E and I took a last-minute trip to Tokyo Disneyland and Tokyo DisneySea. If you are familiar with Disney, then you know that you can check the crowd calendar before you book your trip so that you can predict how many people are projected to attend on the date you plan to visit. It just so happened that I checked the crowd calendar one day in June only to find that later that week would be the only (yes, the ONLY) week during the summer that the crowd levels would be under 50% capacity – and so off we went. And it was an awesome girls trip! But since we didn’t actually make it into the city, I don’t really count that as a trip to Tokyo.

So, third time’s a charm, yes?

We took off last Wednesday afternoon, and after a quick 90 minute trip on the Shinkansen we made it to the city. We made our way to our hotel, dropped off our bags, and headed out to dinner.

We made up for our first meal in Japan by visiting a nearby ramen restaurant, Afuri. We were able to sit right down at the counter after purchasing our meal via the vending machine located right inside the restaurant’s entrance. The ramen was delicious, and was so different from ramen varieties we’d previously tried. The chicken, fish and seaweed-based broth was served with pork, seaweed, an egg, and yuzu (a type of citrus fruit) peel, which sounds a little strange but ended up being delicious. As we sat at the counter slurping our noodles, the restaurant filled up, making us glad that we got there when we did! There was a line about 7 people deep when we left — a pretty good indicator of a great restaurant in Japan. We would definitely go back again.

Afuri Ramen Tokyo

Since we really only had one full day to spend in Tokyo, we wanted to pack as much activity in as we could on Thursday. Our plan was to do a few of the super touristy things (especially the things Miss E probably wouldn’t enjoy) so that we won’t feel need to do them the next time we visit:

Tsukiji Fish Market

Tsukiji market is one of the largest markets in the world. It is a wholesale market, where whole fish and other goods are bought at auction in the early morning hours and are then cut up and packaged to be sold to restaurants, catering companies, and the public afterward. Each morning, a small number of tourists — only two groups of 60 people — are allowed to witness the tuna auction, which happens to be the most famous. Reservations are not available in advance, so if you want to witness it you need to wait in line and hope you’re one of the first 120 people there. Each group is taken to see the tuna auction for about 25 minutes. We decided to forego the tuna auction on this trip because we didn’t want to be up at 3:00 AM for the 25 minute experience.

Even though we missed the earlier auction, the market itself was quite an adrenaline rush! Everyone is buzzing around, the energy palpable. You can both hear and feel the the motorized vehicles as they speed by. You need to listen for the sound of a vehicle backing up in case you happen to be in the exact spot it needs to be in. You try to dodge the people who are actually working and shopping at the market — not just gawking at the scene. You have to constantly watch where you step, because there are puddles of water and…other stuff…everywhere. We were most definitely in the way no matter where we walked or stood, and I couldn’t help but think about how annoying it must be for the people trying to do their work and shopping with all of us clueless tourists in the way.

Tsukiji Market Tokyo

Kappabashi Street

One of the items on my Japan bucket list is to invest in Japanese knives. I did some research before we left and found that the best place to find a knife in Tokyo is Kappabashi Street. Kappabashi Street, or Kitchen Town, is an area in Tokyo where you can find any type of restaurant or home kitchen equipment: dishes, cookware, display cases, uniforms, the plastic food you see outside of every restaurant in Japan, and so much more. We walked up and down the street, ducking into a store here and there. But I was on a mission to find a knife so we didn’t spend too much time browsing. I ended up buying my knife at a store called Kamata. The store is pretty small and was packed with shoppers when we arrived. The woman who helped me choose my knife was very attentive and patient while I went back and forth trying to choose. She was able to give good suggestions in my price range, and she spoke near-perfect English. I probably held about 10 knives before finding the right one. The knife I chose is a santoku, which is a Japanese-style, all-purpose knife that is most often used in home kitchens. The one I chose is made from Damascus steel with a polished wood handle. It’s gorgeous. After I made my decision, my knife was engraved with my name — in Japanese — right in the store:

Kamata Knife Shop Kappabashi

For lunch we stopped in a random sushi restaurant. We had grand plans to have a sushi breakfast while we were at the market earlier, but we weren’t hungry and the lines were pretty insane. The good news is that even a random sushi place in Tokyo is pretty awesome. We each got a sushi set and split a small bottle of sake:



After lunch, we did some more exploring. We ended up in Harajuku, and decided to take an afternoon break at Double Tall Cafe. The coffee I had was perfect. I haven’t found great coffee in Nagoya yet, so it tasted especially great. The cafe also had outdoor seating on the second level overlooking the main street, which was perfect for people watching. While we didn’t see any stereotypical Harajuku girls (worth a Google), we did see some pretty great fashion. Miss E would have been in her element for sure. I can’t wait to take her back to check it out!

Yoyogi Park

After our afternoon dose of caffeine, we walked over to Yoyogi Park. It wasn’t very busy since it was a weekday afternoon, but there were some people out and about. The park is known for attracting some interesting characters, so I would recommend it as a place to sit and do some people watching. We walked around the park for a little while and then found a park bench and hung out for about a half an hour. We watched a bartender practicing his tricks and a group of kids rehearsing a dance routine. It was a beautiful fall day, perfect for enjoying some green space in the middle of the city.

After that we were ready to stop back at the hotel to unload our purchases and freshen up a bit. All of our exploring had worn us out…and we were starving! We headed out on foot to find some dinner. Armed with a recommendation and a map from our hotel, we went in search of a yakiniku restaurant. Yakiniku is a Japanese word for the style of cooking small pieces of meat and vegetables on a tabletop, often charcoal, grill. It’s also called Korean barbecue. I hadn’t tried it before, and it was actually pretty fun! Our dinner was delicious, especially the beef. Besides some chicken, pork, and vegetables, we also ordered a set plate with various cuts of wagyu beef. The beef was particularly expensive compared to the rest of the items we ordered, but it was totally worth it. We left full and happy.

The next morning we slept in and ate breakfast at our hotel. Since we had been so busy the day before, we took our time checking out and getting to the train station. We found a storage locker for our bags and then bought our tickets for our afternoon train before venturing out again. We didn’t have much time, but we wanted to fit at least one more attraction before leaving Tokyo.

Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building

The TMGB has free observation decks that give you a view of Tokyo (and beyond) from 45 stories up. It really is incredible to see just how enormous the city really is. I mean, it’s pretty obvious when it takes a 30 minute ride on the subway to get from one part of the city to another, but to actually see it from so high up is really, really cool. I’m sure the view isn’t as great as the Tokyo Sky Tree, but we decided to save that for the next trip. We only ended up with one non-blurry picture from up there, but you can still get an idea of the size of the city. You can also see the Tokyo Sky Tree in the distance.

Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building

At this point we had about two hours before we needed to be back at the train station, so we had just enough time to get some lunch. We headed back towards Harajuku to hunt down a burger place that seemed to get great reviews online. We were able to find it, but we actually ended up being pretty disappointed. I don’t think we realized how spoiled we were while we were living in Texas, and apparently we have become pretty picky when it comes to burgers. In our experience, the beef that they use for burgers here in Japan just isn’t great, and even if you add interesting toppings it doesn’t change the quality of the burger much. It only took us six months of trying to hunt down a great burger in Japan to figure out that it’s just not worth it to us. Lesson learned. Another thing to add to the list for when we’re back in the US!

After lunch, we started back to the station to catch the Shinkansen. Less than two hours later we were walking in our apartment door, about 20 minutes before Miss E got home. Perfect timing!

And as great as it was to get away, it’s even better to come home! I’m glad we were able to spend a couple of days enjoying Tokyo, but spending so little time there makes me just want to go back!


Expat life, 6 months in.

airplaneThis week marks six months since we left the United States for Japan.

Before moving here – during all of the planning, packing, and goodbye-ing – I spent very little time thinking about what it would mean for us to finally step onto that plane – to leave behind our life, our family, our dog, and everything we were familiar with. I spent approximately 0% of my time thinking about the fact that walking through that airplane door would actually change the trajectory of my life and those of my family. Instead of thinking about the magnitude of stepping onto the airplane, I focused on the details: the passports, the tickets, the visas, the packing, the hotel reservations, etc. I distracted myself with those details so that I wouldn’t think about the rest.

Like any move, the first weeks were all about checking off the most necessary of tasks. We found a place to live, we enrolled Miss E in school, we bought cell phones, we picked out furniture, and we navigated our new city’s transportation system. Those tasks acted as a nice little distraction from the big stuff. There’s no time to question whether or not you’ve made a huge mistake when there is an apartment to furnish!

We spent our first month living in a hotel, another distraction. Hotel living certainly wasn’t terrible; it was a most welcome distraction that came with English-speaking staff, executive lounge access, endless food and champagne, and laundry service. It wasn’t our new life, it was too comfortable. It was the in-between of our previous life and our new one. But when you uproot your life and transport your family to the opposite side of the globe you learn to cling to any comfort you can get. Especially in the form of laundry service. And champagne.

In reality, I needed the distractions in those early days. After those first few weeks – filled with travel, jet lag, and mini-tantrums – the magnitude of this change would start to creep in.

We are expats.

We are living in Japan.

Holy shit.

The distractions were fading away, and the discomfort came roaring in to fill the void. The discomfort came in many forms…like not being able to read labels at the grocery store. And not understanding that the person at the checkout is asking you if you need a bag, so you just say in your terrible Japanese that you don’t understand (because you definitely do know how to say that) while trying to look repentant. And having to play a game of charades in order to buy tickets to a baseball game.

If I had to choose to share just one thing I have learned during my first six months as an expat it would be this: that discomfort is necessary. In fact, I would argue that it is actually good for you. It has been my experience that living life in a near-constant state of discomfort tends to cause a person to get used to it. And when you start to feel okay with feeling uncomfortable, you begin to take risks. When you spend your days doing things that scare you, you actually end up doing some pretty amazing things.

And perhaps the best part is that once you are so used to your life being uncomfortable, then you actually take notice when things start to become a little bit comfortable again. The day you don’t shed any tears in the grocery store is a momentous occasion. You notice the first time you are able to ask the train attendant if the train you’re about to get on is actually going where you need to go, and the first time you leave the house and return without getting lost is cause for celebration. I have found that spending my days being grateful for the things that seemed insignificant before is actually leading me to become a happier, more grateful person.

I have heard that how a person handles the first six months of an expat posting will make or break the overall experience for them, their family members, and their coworkers. Many companies, my husband’s included, will send their overseas employees home for visits each year…but not before that six month mark. The belief is that if you go back “home” before that six month mark there is a pretty good chance that you may not come back. I had read about it and knew that was the case, but I never really understood it until coming here. I will admit that there have been a few times when, if someone had slipped a one-way ticket to the US under my door, I would have been on the next train to the airport. But I am extremely glad that that didn’t happen. Because getting on that Japan-bound plane a second time when I knew what was waiting for me on the other side would have been more than I could handle. And I wouldn’t have known that it would get better than those early days and weeks if I hadn’t gone through it. I wouldn’t have known that I could be okay with being uncomfortable, and I wouldn’t have known how amazing it feels to be comfortable again.

So here we are. Six months in. Life is becoming more comfortable each day, and in turn, we are feeling more grateful than ever before. We’re feeling (mostly) settled in our Japanese apartment; eating our Japanese food from the neighborhood market; paying our Japanese bills with Japanese yen; learning this new language, some of us more quickly than others. The homesickness comes and goes, and the culture shock is a real bitch sometimes, but I couldn’t be happier with where we are at this moment.

Here in Japan.